Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
