Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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