The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
