my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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