I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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