And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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