Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
