I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
