I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
