I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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