that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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