i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
