fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
