New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
