i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
