if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
