I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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