life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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