i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
