I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
