Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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