Only a mothe r could love this liver
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
