There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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