I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
