Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
