John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
