wrigley field is MILF paradise
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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