Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
