All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
