apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
