was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
