I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
