so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
