The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
