you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
