he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
