Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
