Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
