I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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