i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
