New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
