i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
