He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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