and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
