I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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