I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
