I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
