2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
