I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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