i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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