My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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