About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
