she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
