Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
