Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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