What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
